The Beginning Letter
Dear Lyndsey,
The gist of the letter is:
I LOVE YOU!
And nothing will ever change that.
The rest is just proof.
Thane
People ask me what I want in a girl:
"She has to be cool and an angel"
That's how I would describe you:
Cool and Angelic.
The Rest of the Letter
Dear Lyndsey,
I've chosen this media (pen and paper) to express myself because it's easiest. Telling you on the phone, how I feel, just wouldn't work. I'd start talking, ramble for a bit, throw in a "theory" or two, and completely stutter and forget what it was I just said. It's true, huh? Plus, the phone seems so, impersonal. But in person, I'd be so stunned by your presence, I'd again, forget what I've said. I do admit, writing this makes me feel creepy and what-not. But, I've run this idea of expressionism by well over 50 people and they all agree that what I'm doing is "sweet," "heart-felt," and only few could actually do well. Many retorts after that would be something like, "I wish MY boyfriend would do something like that!" I find it ironic that, As FAR AS I KNOW, YOU DON'T CARE, yet I put so much effort into it. Perseverance, I guess. What an introduction, eh? I'm still alluding to what I actually want to say. So, let me start by telling you about after-prom life. Since then, I've been low. I've had no remorse or guilt. Mainly, I LOVE YOU! Now, this isn't some sappy letter that says mushy whatever. It's simply to prove to YOU that I do love you and I'm not just on a crush cloud that dissipates with time. I've decided that rather than giving up and moving on, which I've tried and failed miserably, I'd rather live my life without you than with someone else. Hopefully, you will one day realize how great I really am, and when you do, I'll be waiting. That's not a statement to instantly gain sympathy and change your mind. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if this actually puts you farther away instead of closer, which is my goal. That's the way everything's gone for the past years. I think it's funny. My life and all its extreme irony. I know if we did get together, I'm off to ISU (HA! College. Over-emphasized high school that you pay $10,000, in state, per year. $20,000 out of state) and we'd be hours away. But at this argument, I can't help but laugh until my sides hurt. Adam and I got seperated and we're still best friends. Addie and her boyfriend and so many others have made it work. Pretty much, if you think it won't work, it's not true. I believe I have true love for you. No one ever said "love" had to be expressed by both sides. I've got it, but you, I have no idea. You don't like to think and talk, I've noticed. I'm sure it's love and not anything else. I've never dreamed about you, except once, 6/22/01. It was wierd. I had gone ten months knowing who you were, by name, knowing your face, and in the dream you were as detailed like everyday life. You and I just sat there staring at each other for 8 hours. There was a clock I could see out of the corner of my eye. It ran Hours:Minutes:Seconds. We were eye-locked the whole time. No movement and no speech. Instead of the dream flashing for a few seconds and time passes, it was a full 8 hour dream. When I woke up, I was more tired then when I went to bed. What I like about "us" (quoted since we don't really exist) is we are so much the same, yet so different. You do so many athletics. I do just taekwondo. I like to read and think and express. You won't tell me what you think. You intrigue me. But the same about you and me is, we dont care about others. Mainly, we know, that after high school, to see people, you have to work. You spend 4 years impressing these people and then at college you have thousands of new people again. But I would make "us" (the so-called "us") work. I'd drive back, call, and use email. I'd rather send you real letters, though. But, the biggest thing You and I share is HUMOR. We laugh at the same things. If we ever became a couple, I'd relax and you'd see the real me. Unfortunately, you really haven't gotten to. After 10 months, I'm still so nervous around you. Worried about doing something to completely make you shun me. Trying to make the whole night go well. I do regret taking you to the COG. I always wonder if that was my downfall. If you and I had gone to some luxurious place and just talked. I just hope that my bad choices didn't really affect you, that much, and it's just me. Because I can change. But the chances of that happening are slim. People should be able to grow to love each other. Not just spontaneously wake up, cross paths, and be in love. To have someone that you have to look past their faults. Just see the person as a whole. To have someone by your side and in your thoughts. It's nearly impossible to go to new places on your own, knowing you have no one to talk to. But after school and such, that's when the couples move up to the married. Thinking far ahead, I'm ready to miss all of this and wait for you. I have all the confidence, courage, and charm that I will always show you. I'll always stand up for you and others. Hopefully, now, you know and understand why attended your soccer games. I've liked soccer, just never had a reason to watch. I wonder though if you do understand. When Laura told you, "I loved you," you asked if I was mad at you. I'm still confused by that statement. How would my anger (which I had none) develop into love. If anything, I was hurt. After prom, when I found out you didn't want anything deep with me, it hurt to look at you, be in your presence, attend class. I missed Chinese. I just got up and left. Amy and Amanda followed and we didn't come back. I was silent the whole day. Then, when you did talk to me, it felt lik eyou did in sympathy or to clear your own conscience of some subtle guilt. I'll sit here forever, it it takes you that long, to realize that you might be all wrong. When I think about it, there is something holding you back from, letting go and throwing your arms around me. So, is there some attribute, standard, or recquirement that I'm lacking or don't meet? Knowing you don't care, I walk around with this pit in my stomach and heart. I think it will never go away and I kind of hope it doesn't. I'm overly positive I'll never truly get over you. And I'm perfectly fine with it. Again, I'd rather spend my life waiting, than move on. People tell me to move on and find THE ONE, but if I go on, I may have passed THE ONE. It's become such a trial to pick up the phone and call you. But I always take a deep breath and think, "I've got nothing to lose, only headway to gain." Love cannot hide where it truly exists. I fully believe I'm at the bottom and the only direction is up. What makes me so positive that I do love you, is that fact that when I think of your presence enlightening my life, I get a little sphere of energy that builds in the center of my gut and then explodes and shoots throughout my body that charges me up to keep going. Just a simple flickering thought of you creates this, what would happen if you and I were together? That's what intrigues me to keep trying. If you still feel nothing for me after reading this letter ("book", heh) I feel just the same. Not giving up is my only choice. Just remember, everyday, there is something that needs to be obtained. The Gadjits said it best,
"Welcome to the rest of your life."
"Welcome home my darling."
Thane The Letter was hand delivered to Lyndsey on Wednesday, 6/25.
Reaction: Lyndsey has had none, yet.
Third Party source tells me she was creeped out because she all ready told me "she didn't like me like that." Which again was just another arrow to the heart and slit in the throat. But I will just persevere.
Anyone else wishing to say something, email: TheShun@aol.com Great News! I've decided to write a book, in chronological order, of how I got to the point to write this letter. It'll have all the information before and up to the letter and everything afterwards. We'll see what happens. Okay, I married a girl. You have to guess if it's Lyndsey or not. Let me give you a hint: NOT! |
